"i love you🌹 . . . " I can't escape the way i love you . ( // --- yeah it is in a song, too. It is a B-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l Song from billie eilish..)

I do not want to escape - 

I do not want to escape this excruciating beautiful painful feeling 

. . . in my heart

for you. this sublime ache you bring to me  your absence brings to me . . . till you come. 

i live

because you save me. because

you will come to save me.

At Start. I wrote:

I do not feel anything except sad.

I miss you so much that it had swallowed ............. (1*)

I write these words - - - and in this exact second, I hear the message coming from you. In this exact moment.... you write to me "Please do not reply... I just wanted to tell you, that I am with you. . . . I kiss you all night through . . . "

My tears under the starlit sky, just a few minutes ago. Sad tears. I looked on the Milky Way and felt and believed "it will be alright. I do not know how it will be alright, but I believe that everything will be good." And I thought to myself "I do not cry because of you, I cry for you. " 

I believed.

And you came.

== 

(*1) I would have finished that sentence like this: "I miss you so much that it had swallowed all my other emotions, my life - in a blackhole..." 

That, and many more sentences of the same meaning was the essay I have written this morning on my secret notbook. With tears. And I have sobbed... like I have not done in a long, long, long time -in years. I sobbed this night, in the balcony, overlooking the starry sky - over the horizon - because --- I missed you...

With you in my heart as a sweet tender deep ache - I climbed the stairs, opened this page, ... to write this one page with one song, which I have been repeating so many times . . .  because . . . it is just so beautiful . and tragic - and sublime - and fateful. 

Just like us. Just like this feeling . . . Just like - - - you and me. 

"i love you ... 

and i don't want to, 

but i love you... 

I cannot escape 

the way i love you..." 

>> Listen >> here 

 * * * 

 

Sixteen Words.

Tears now -. again. . But these are tears of --- something - - - Something I cannot explain. I sob, because I feel so overwhelmed by all this happening . . .  All this, larger than anything I have felt before. These are tears of knowing that something is at work here .. .. .. that something larger than we could ever fathom - has heard us, is with us. It is hearing us . . . 

and it is making you and me come together. Like this . . . 

It heard my cry for you . . . 

And it summoned you? To save me? 

You heard my cry for you? I do not know how, but Yes, you did  hear my silent cry in to the sky!

I sobbed for you, few minutes ago, under the free sky, wishing for you. 

Then I climb the stairs, open this page and type . . . sixteen words to you. 

Then I get your message - sixteen words to me . . . 

You hear me, those thousand miles away, you felt me  . . . 

I do not know how you did, but you did. 

- . . . that is why you are here, you came here, you said you are with me.

You saved me.

You save me.

Again, mein Darlingschatz, you saved me again, in the most heartbroken moment, you come through - show you to me - and tell me, that you are mine. 

I am yours.

P.S. Yes, I do believe in miracles. 

* * * 

" ... 🌹"

"I Love You"

. . . 

Maybe won't you take it back

Say you were tryna make me laugh

And nothing has to change today

You didn't mean to say I love you

I love you

And I don't want to!

Up all night on another red-eye

I wish we never learned to fly

Maybe we should just try

To tell ourselves a good lie

. . . 

And nothing has to change today

You didn't mean to say I love you

I love you

And I don't want to

The smile that you gave me

Even when you felt like dyin'

We fall apart as it gets dark

I'm in your arms . . . 

There's nothing you could do or say . . . 

I can't escape the way I love you. 

I don't want to, 

But I love you . 

". . . 🌹"

Yes I do. 

(Listen here on spotify / billie eilish.)

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