Love(?) Letters for My Imaginary Darling

I had one wish for our goodbye.  A Last Wish. I had this one last wish for our goodbye. This is how I imagined it: A beautiful moment. That we sit outside somewhere, light a candle, together, and we count our blessings. That was the important part - to recognize, to realize, to acknowledge - how much we are blessed. Even with all this pain and aching heart - how much we still have - to be thankful for ! I wanted to experience that - see that part of the Truth - with you.  We would hold our hands, sit close together, and look us in the eyes.. and ...see, ... feel .. in how many ways we are blessed.  We wish for ourselves, and we kiss each other under sunlight, moonlight or star light... Then we hold each other for one last time. May be we kiss, and touch only. May be we make love under the moonlight, under free sky full of stars. May be we lay down and hold each other softly and whisper our secret words to each other, for one final time. Then.. at the end of these unf...

 A page from my secret notebook... I walk slowly in the morning sunshine. I am in front of your mountain. I see the peak, where you climb to, I see the secret forest where we were together .. 12 months ago. Time is gone. The memory.. burns in me. I see you, in my mind's eye, over there, at the top of your mountain... And I have written this: Rhythm of my heart. ~  Rhythm of my Heart, stays still in front of your Mountain because I see you in my mind's eye- on the top there, spreading your arms wide in the glorious golden sunset, as if you are about to fly! You spread your arms, look up at the burning sunset sky, and breathe deep. I watch you, thousand meters below - on the cool meadow. You lift your head up to the burning sky, spread your arms - and then you fly. You are above me, on the sky . . . you hover over me, make a circle - and land - fifty meters away... you collect your wings and stroll away in that special gait you have... I see that in my mind. It was.. a fourth of...

Before & After and ... For Ever and Ever Again.  you and i.  endlessly.  Always...                                                     Have faith. Always!  ~ Before. 17.8.20 This is what I wrote around ten days ago, on (another) sleepless night: "I feel you in that emplty space where once my heart used to be. All my tears are dry in my throat, I just feel your kisses and the last embrace with the deep burn inside my soul." ~ After. 27.8.20 This is what I wrote last night, before falling asleep with you in my heart - to wake up with the sensation of your imaginary kisses on my skin in morning light "You are the only one I can be honestly sharing all of me, and all my feelings with... Everything . I can share with you all my self. All my heart. Every thing in Life - - . With or without clothes. You are always the first one, I want t...

  Yes, when I do not try to leave anyone or keep anyone, THEN and only then can I find out who will leave me or who will keep me. ** I guess. ** Why? I stop trying. Why? Because I am so tired. ~ ~ ~ If you want, you can read more. Otherwise stay, or stay away. It does not - would not matter I guess. It is your choice. My choice now - I choose to stop trying. I am so tired of  trying to be strong for others, I am so tired of wishing the best for others, I am just so tired of trying... to convince, trying to try, trying to see what the other one sees and trying to do what is right for every one.  I am just so frigging tired of trying to save the worlds for everyone else!  AND I am so tired of trying to take care of my two worlds.!!  So I will try no more!  I will not try anymore to do anything more for anyone. No one. Not even me .  I will just let everything be. Just let EVERY frigging thing just LET BE . As they are.  They "all can slide down my ...

  Epilog of the Other Goodbye - the Prolog of this Goodbye  Re-Living the Memories of Another Goodbye ... I am finding out, my darling, that it was all written in the books already. We did not have to re-do it. We have done it - you and I - already!  We did not have to do it: It had already been done. I did not have to write it: It had already been written... Written In Our Books... It was written in our books at that other Goodbye, that we go away ... and come back.., again for this goodbye.  Is it written in the books - that we come back for another Goodbye, too, after this one... (postscript: I am writing to you these pages... until 19:33. Minutes later.. I find out, that you have been writting to me, too. 18:44.) In my heart I am with you... The Epilog - Prolog. The Other . . . 05.03.'20 ~ ~ ~ This . . . 05.08.'20 ~ ~ ~ Sweet Memories of That Other Goodbye ... "bitter" sweet ? ... I don't know... No. Not bitter. It was - it is - only sweet... how we let go. ho...

  Darling my Sweetschatz, Here are the only words that I wished to tell you.  These few pages have every thing which I wished for you to know.. to hear.. when I came to you for that one final goodbye for us.  These words bring the "essence" of the message which we were getting together, - which I was bringing to you - During that whole massive operation of the crazy travel and the sweet, sad, mad and intense, intimate Episode called "Our Goodbye." The times and everything was not always clear. We might have both missed some clues. If you were reading me, you would have understood me better - about what I was doing. But you did not have time to read. And I did not have time to speak... We were not listening or hearing properly. So we were both not so clear what the other one was doing. I think that is what happened... It was confusing. You must have been very much under pressure. I am sorry if I have given you any cause to doubt my intention. I did not think that you...

Who Was That Person Who Came to Say Goodbye?  That person, who looked like you, tells me.. It was you? You tell me: "I don't want to be rude if you come back and invite me to drink coffee or something. I don't want to seem rude also if you write to me. Don't know how to reply."  I am surprised. I want to ask you "Didn't you read anything I have written to you in the last four weeks?" You continue talking, as if you have forgotten all we have talked before - as if you forgot all that we were feeling few days earlier as we were holding each other and talking about our 'stopping us.' .. You continue saying - "I cannot stop you from coming here. But if you come and if Alicia sees you, there is a big risk. Consequences. We talked on that". Ah. So you remembered one part which we talked about. But you forgot the part that we said we say good bye? - Or did you think that I forgot that part? But.. did you forget? - That I wrote it a thousan...

  Farewell that Never Happened. It could have been a beautiful 'Goodbye' - if we both had been there, in our true selves! If we had  both  trusted  ourselves , that we were there to say Goodbye -we could have done it so beautifully, .... with the honest emotions ... with the real feelings ... with the real "us" -- you + me. For a proper beautiful sweet Farewell.  All of You, with All of Me. At a time and place with an Open End. For us!  And that one single wish was exactly what I did not get. I wonder why the "Real You" did not appear in the Farewell. Darling, I wonder what happened to you. You did not come to say farewell to her. You have sent someone else. She had to take leave from someone else, not You. Where were you!? I did not see you. And ... that was she, who left that other person, who was impersonating you. What happened to you? Why did you send this one insensitive, arrogant, unsure person who could not believe that she was there to leave you?...