Invisible Letter .. "To send or not to send. That is da Question." - help! tell me, should I send this to you now.... or wait....
The Past Speaks .. This is July, 2020.
I have written to you - and never sent this.
Why? I do not know.
2020.07.25.
"should I send this to you now.... or wait.... "
Why should I wait? Shall I be a smarter person in the next four hours, when the dawn comes?
Letter Starts Now .
From Topic 1 (on Friday evening) until Topic 10 (on Sunday night)
Topic 1. Friday evening 9pm.
Writing from Concert Hall. I am at the performance now. There are about 100 people. I sit in the last row, nice and quiet here, away from lights. The music is creative, interesting. I recorded a short video for you. There was one composition called "water from Mill-See." Another one called Klang der Stille ended Sooo Loud!! Lol. One instrument looked like a Grill-Topf. Another was like a broken wooden a football.
Friday, home at midnight. Hey. The name of day and place are both same. :)
Concert was nice. They interpreted lots of tunes from the "world" from America, Africa to Asia, Myanmar... Somehow the drum beats were almost always ended up in that Eastern music rhythm. One was called Indianer to New York. Started Indianer drums and chanting... then went in to modern New York sounds.. but - in my opinion the "sound image" of New York was not complete - because they forgot (or overlooked) a most defining musical sound of New York in their composition... Some were really creative, some were crazy. Some made sense and some do not.
I think you would have liked it. We could have had a nice discussion.
There were three musicians. A couple, and the "third wheel - the drummer /percussion. This couple found their passion together in music creation. They look happy. They first started to explore the music as individuals, found each other, then went to explore music from different cultures and countries.. They play together, create music together, inspire each other .. and do something together which they are both passionate about. And they are a couple.
Some people do become together and make nice endings to their stories . . .
Topic 2. Thinking About Us.
Friday After midnight now.
Thinking about us.
What happened to us? Where are all our dreams and wishes. - those wishes we sometimes dreamt about.. The hopes. What happened to them, to us.
Let us stop this here... Oh, we are!
Stop the clock, for you and me?
Do you still feel what we were wishing together.
Do you like to make some of the wishes come true, in the next days, before we say that goodbye.? Just make the best we can from the last days. ...
Your favorite song says it: "When the end comes",... it comes.
3. Next days.
Locations. .........deleted ........
........ All afternoon and until 1am, I was alone, outside. With a candle. Reading or writing.
4. Cold Fire. Hot Ice.
I am thinking of that Abschluss. Where, how, when.. we burn something and tell us goodbye.. Do you think you can manage a day for that, do you have any thoughts on what, where... how it could be. Tell me about it.. we talk. If it is at all possible.. or we just meet and burn together, like we do now.. that would be enough too. Then we go away? ..
Would that be enough..?!!
I imagined that we are somewhere outside -- alone - - out of the way - somewhere. Do you know a nice place for us.. ? Tell me.. Let us find a nice place for this Abschluss Feuer 🕯.
What would you prefer to do, if you could choose? Oh, you CAN choose. We choose, together, what we do. Yes?
My chosen place would be Gr............ I saw that it takes 18 minutes from xx..... until yy... Then there is a 30 minute walk .. On a rainy cloudy evening there will be no one there..
When is the full moon?..
It can be another secluded place by your lake, too. You would know more, where is suitable... under star light. Evening, a candle, a final soft massage.. and "open end" evening..
I packed a dress specially for the occasion... then I got another one today, which was nicer - in the way you like it. It was supposed to be also for the concert, because it was too cold, I wore that blue lace shirt which you saw last time.. The new dress - I think you will like it - I will wear it for you next time. If you like to see it.
5. The Wish, when you ask, I forget.
My wish was the Sahne auf den Schulterblättern.. I am too shy to say it when you ask - or, I forget all of me when you are there.. as usual.
6. We Do.
A question came to me, "What are we doing now here, this time ?" - and the answer was obvious. I know what we are doing: We are adjusting our minds to the coming future, and telling a long goodbye - which we need. To get used to the idea that we will go away. In this respect, I have three things to tell you or ask you.
7. Three Things About Transformation.
* First one is about Raupe: The Caterpillars (Raupe) becomes a butterfly. Do you think it hurts, when the Raupe transforms itself slowly into a butterfly? Can you please ask my butterflies and tell me what they tell you? I know that you talk to them... because when you are around, they start flying. All over me. Watch how it happens..
Raupe becomes Butterly. short video watch here..
** Second thing is... about you. A bit shy to ask, But I am curious. When we are together and transform all our senses,.. and sometimes when we finish, you sometimes say something about "how" it was - after --- we---are together. You sometimes say 'sorry it was not good, too slow, too quick, too ... something. Why is that ? Is it a habit.. I am only curious.. But shy. I don't know if you will be shy to talk of this, too. After we are together, when you feel.. me.. You would know! My heartbeat will tell you.
Oh I like to hold you long... And breathe you in.....
What would you like to do.. afterwards.. that? What would you like me to do,.. after we finish.? Secret wishes?
*** Third thing is - about us. Because this is the Time we transform "us" too. We transform our relationship now.. This will be the last times we have for ourselves, like this. You know it.
So... It is about giving a present - to ourselves. To each other. We make a Present of our Self - give all of our self, to do as we wish!
And - - we make this last "Together Time" our Present to us! Present this time to eachother and enjoy it, be there completely.
I would love that! Wouldn't you? We make these last fleeting moments a present to ourself! Make a Geschenk of this time for you and me: let us just go for it and do it! All we wish to do. Feel everything we want to feel- Together. With each other. One last time in these short days we have for us.
I have a little request, too. Darling, when we see each other, and if you want to kiss me, if you feel something, please do not fight it, each time we meet do not try to stop us. Please.
Let us just "feel"... with all our senses, let's just FEEL each other.
Free flow. Move Not against it, but move With it, Not fighting to stop that we feel. Instead acknowledge and enjoy.. that we are here, together, now, in these short fleeting hours of remaining days and evenings.
Let's get ALL that we want from each other!! Let's just make this our "present" - the Gift - to each other. Shall we?
Only that kind of "full letting go" will make sense. We deserve that, both of us!
In these last days! Let us break all barriers and just "be" there - fully, - for each other, this one last time - in this slow Goodbye.
This is NOT a long goodbye, darling. It may take few days... the hours are few. It is a short Goodbye! Very short goodbye. You know why? We are not together anymore after this! The long future.. Compared to the long days, nights and the many years we have to be without each other - - these few days are so short! This goodbye IS sooo very short!
Let's just make the most of it and feel it. To the full. With each other. Together. This one last time!
Compared to that long lonely future years, - This little "goodbye period" is just as quick as a flutter of an eyelid. It is only an Augenblick - what we have here, for us - for the Goodbye.
Sweet DarlingSchatz so I ask you if you can.. - just to let us enjoy this little moment together - now , here.. Let us break all the rules and do everything we dream of - together . With each other. In this little - short - moments --- the only moments we will have for each other. These are the ONLY moments we will have eachother in a whole lifetime...!
So why do we suffer through it?!! Let us make the most of it, let us make the best of these few days and few hours we will ever have. For us!
For our sake. Shall we?
Do We Deserve? A Farewell? May be Not! Not now!!
But we deserve to celebrate this undeserved farewell.
Oh we deserve it! We have earned it for "who we are together"
Have you felt something like this before...
This is all we have. Let us just "be" there now.. without fighting against our longings and desires - let us just go whole and complete to do everything we want, every moment we can.
Until we have to go away.
Let us do so!!
That will be our Present for the future.
Am I repeating myself?.. :) May be yes. Because I really would want to have a beautiful goodbye period for "us". With my Darlingschatz, for me. And "me" all of me, ONLY for you! I've goodbye. One time.
Agree? How you see it that way, too. Let's make this a nice "parting present" for "us" - for these two people who cannot get away from getting away.
..
8. Sunday. At Sea, on boat.
Saturday night was amazing. Deep blue sky, a bright clean curve of the moon. Million stars. I was awake until 2am. Beautiful.
Milchstrasse sooo clear across the big sky!
Did you see it?
9. Now it's 9.30pm.
At the Gp. I will drive to S. sit at the edge of your See,.. and will dream of you under the light from the Curve Moon. Sweet dreams, Darling sweetschatz. May be we will meet again soon.
Hug you soooo tight.
10. Now it t is past midnight. Sunday to Monday.
(Added this part within " .." in italics as last comment after writing: "I think the following parts will hurt you..! Should I send this part to you.. it might hurt.. Do I say all these things to you."
I write.
A new day is coming soon. I am at S. , in a nice little room. Weeks ago I called them and made them move me to a room with a view. Checked in this evening, then went to Mill again... Sat at Gp for that Chai Latte with Cinnamon (the best I have tasted worldwide...) and some Panini. Got your message that you are in V. ...
Darlingschatz when I sit near the water at your Sea ('See' in your language but 'sea* for me...) - when I see the sunshine dancing on the water, the clouds floating and the far mountains painting the sky in smooth lines - it makes me think - or float - so much. And the pages of my secret notebooks get filled -- fast... :) I think the whole thing inspires me... and the emotions. I cannot escape. They are intense - .. may be it is the large horizon, the water, the mountain, the fact that the water and sky and mountain belong to you.. and the fact that you would be sitting over there just so nearby - most of the hours in your days and weeks, just over there - where I can see... the fact that I will leave this world to you alone . . . may be all of that. .. From the start, when we still thoughts we will be together, even before the time we are talking about stopping - this space and the light somehow inspires me - and filled my notebooks - I remember sitting at the sea in the other Cafe next to L. . waiting for you to come after office and pick me up... In those times the feeling were crystal clear, too. Just like now . I also remember how excited you were, when you got the call from Se. You sent me message or called first, to tell me! When you were going for the second meeting there - it was a 17th .. I think, I came to you.. you were so happy. You were happy when you came to see me, too.
What happened to those two people?
I wonder what happened to those two people, who were happy to just have a few moments together, steal a few hours from the other life, and bring so much happiness in to this dimension - where we could be alone together.
Two Stupid and Scared People: us. we two. Sad, Stupid and Scared.
I wonder why those two people cannot be happy with the same thing anymore. Why do they need more.
Why cannot they appreciate what they have and be satisfied with it...
Why cannot they make things just "Let be!" --
Why cannot they see again, what it is and it is what it is.
What do we have to always improve, find faults, fix things, ... Why do we look at what is not working? - instead of looking at what is working - to find out why it is working! So that it can continue. Instead, most of the population is busy looking at the part which is not working and trying to find out why it does not work.... - They are so busy looking at what is not working and finding "why" for the broken parts, SO that they forget the part that IS working and, -- they also forget why it DOES work!!
Sad.
Why do we become two of those sad people!
Obligation? - I am making excuses for you.
I would be scared, too. If I had your choices to make. If I was in your place, I would be scared, too!
In my life, I have been scared, too. I have made decisions which were on the "safe side." But.. that was only at first stages of my life. ONLY at first stages. .. Before I "grew up." -- Now, I have grown up. I have learned. Finally, I know what matters most. So I think I put more value on "what is right for me", and not "what is safe for me."
I am guessing now: that you have a lot of thoughts, when you were reading the above paragraph.
What you are doing - is not easy. I think I understand you more, after we talked last time in office. ( We actually managed to exchange whole sentences...for more than few minutes.. ;) ..
I hope I will understand more of your thinking and your reasons. I just wish that you would talk more direct and more honest and tell me all the secrets..that makes you make those decisions - about us. I hope I will feel you - feel the real you.. so that I can take you with me... the way you are. Just the way you are. in all colours and whole range- the complete "you." Will you give that *you* to me?
I do not know if you read this far. I write this now at end, and then put it at top..
It is almost 1 am now. I am looking forward to the morning, first ray of sunlight.
Sunday morning at 6am I was at your sea... the morning colours of the sky came in to my dreams, I woke up so early, looked outside and saw - I had to be outside - the soft pinks and blue - orange and the deep sea. There was a swan who came to me very curious . Two fishes jumped curves out of the water. It was so quiet .. the morning tranquility. Tomorrow - (today, Monday) - I am at the other edge of Your sea. You will be at the other corner of the sea, at my left side, way in the front over there. I hope that the sky will paint pretty colours for you, when you are driving to your office space. May be you will remember the nice parts what we were doing there last few times. May be in a few years you will forget exactly who I was, because I would be just one of several people who come and go in this way in to your life. This year me. Two years later someone else, five years later another someone else, who will start and stop, because you get scared of Alicia finding out and removing the access to your kids so that you will just stop (again) - after a while you start something again, then stop, start and stop, keep starting and stopping.... or continuing when it is convenient. I will be just "one of many" - one day.
Isn't it?
Did it hurt to read that above paragraph? - I am sorry. I am guessing that this will be the pattern for your future.
I do not think I will be special to you, eventually.
You will keep finding one after the other, one after the other -- because you are not satisfied with the life you are living with her. You do everything for the sake of children. That is very gallant..! That is a hero-task! You are sacrificing your own personal fulfillment, because you want to be there for your children. Because you know that they need you: So you sacrifice your own contentment - in order to give the right guidance for your children.
In the history of mankind, many people have tried to do that - sacrifice their own happiness to be there for the sake of their children. Women and men have been living as husband and wife, - just for the children, with nothing else in the marriage as partners, but to be there for children. Millions of couples have suffered the whole lifetime in disconnected marriages - because they wanted to provide a "normal home" for their child. In Asia it is so much more done. It is terribly important to be "parents + children" in Asia. Divorces are Taboo. People are scared to break a union, dounbtful to move on and not confident to start new. They just suffer through. Or they make themselves "numb" to the parts which they do not have. And just live the parts they can have. Not full life. But half life. When I talk with some of my Uni friends ... I see their view and what they do, why they do. How they talk about their life and their wives. .. Most of these are men - (male friends.) My female friends continue to live in the "assumption" that their husbands are happy, as long as the kids pass exams, the meals are cooked and the house is clean and once in a hwile there is a get-together for birthday. They think their husbands are okay.. They I talk to those husbands... I got to know lots of "secrets about boys.." because I have more close male friends than female friends. Somehow.
The World did not change much in the last forty years in that regard- in that subject.
I guess.... what I try to say is, that I can understand you. May be I need to understand you more - - because may be I do not know exactly what / how / when - you think about you. Who are you, do you think? Can you tell me more?
I must sleep more. And dream of you more..
I will jsut copy-paste the whole thing now.
This part was the end part. I wrote it at last. There are 9 or 10 parts first. If you do not have time to read everything here is the "Executive Summary = Headlines from Topic 1 to Topic 9.* You can read only the headlines. And you can erase everything without reading, too. It is your wish. Your choice.
I do not think I am writing this letter. I do not know this person anymore...
Do you?
Can you please help me to find myself again.... I am losing me. I am losing my mind. I am losing you... Wait. I think I have lost you. Or was it you, who lost me?!?
Did we lose each other already?
Do you find yourself?
Are you better now? Did you find yourself after you lost me ..
Why am I asking these things. It is only hurting us. May be I will not send this letter to you at all.
If you are smart, you will go to my secret notebook online and read me online. Let us see.
Here are the Topics 1 - 9 as Executive Summary. Read or discard.. if you are interested or not. To know.
You did not want to know what "we" will be. So does anything else matter.
I guess... what I say here - will hurt you - if you read it. So I do not know, if I send this to you... But I made that promise, that I will not hide what I say anymore. So... what is the right choice now: send this in to your mailbox, or hide this in my online page?!?
Gosh. How can I decide.
Will I be smarter, later??
Will the morning make me smarter?
Will I be more smart in the morning tomorrow, in four hours? - Can I be a different or better or smarter person in four more hours, than I am now in this hour??
I was definitely stupider four months ago. That is why I let you drive me all the way to Kemp that time, which put you so much under pressure. Another founr months ago, I was even stupider, - that is why I let you come to me in KL, which made your mobile signal go crazy and resulted in her finding out.. THAT changed our lives!! That was the KEY to what is happening now to us: This unending suspicion, which you cannot cope with. The fear, that makes you broken. The suffering - which we both go through now. The suffering - which is waiting for us, when we leave each other for the last time! The suffering that is going to continue for a life time because we were just another two stupid and scared and weak human beings who could not handle something, the way it should be handled. Who could not value something, the way it should be valued. Who did not care for each other enough, not enough at all - the way we should have cared for each other.
Instead of "caring for" each other - we get "scared of" being togher.
So we are the losers.... .. so what is new.
Let us give up this thing we wanted to have. Because we are too stupid and too scared to keep fighting for us, to save it, to stand up for it - because BECAUSE - because - you have to be there for your children. And I must be there for YOU! - SO I let you go, because that is what you want me to do!!
I cannot bear it to see you so doubtful. I canont bear it, when you speak with so much fear and doubt and apprehension about - how you feel...!! "If" she finds out, "if" she cuts the link to your children, "if" you can handle to keep this secret about us, "if" your health is getting affected, "if" this is good enough to fight for, "if" it is worth to keep something, "if" this is right or wrong.
No darling, I cannot bear to see you like that!
I have to let you do, what you think is right for you to do!
That is the ONLY SINGLE REASON, why I do this: Because you think it is the Right Thing to Do! You think so, and so I do it. Because I feel... I felt you -- on that day on 9th.. and 10th July. I felt that I have to let you go - to find your way, in your own way.
For You.
With all my love.
I do this.
For You.
Only for you. Because of you. I have to let you do this: I have to let you find out - in your own way - what is right for you.
One day you will know!
For sure, one day you will know if you are doing the right thing now - for them, for us.
One day in future, your current history will tell you.
Until then, here.... read or delete the following.
Executive Summary:
This is the End, copied at the start.
Headlines of Topics which follow next:
Topic
1. Music performance Sound-Worlds
2. What happened to us
3. Next days (expired, coz it was written Friday)
4. Abschluss Feuer
5. The wish
6. What we are doing? - the answer
7. Three things that have transformation: catarpillar, we together, and we seperate.
8. Sunday at sea.
9. Kap
10. Ending paragraph -- what you have been reading before, at start. Things that will? might? (have?) hurt..
So is the end of the start. Or the start of the end.
I wish I could feel what you feel. I wish I could hold you, listen to your heartbeat and understand what it is saying.. I wish I could hold you soo tight - press your body so tight to my body - and feel YOU with ALL my cells (Zellen) and senses .. all parts of You - your heart, limbs, skin, your pulse, the flow of your energy along your breathe, and the deepest corner of your soul -- so that I will finally know "you" - who you really are.
Who you are to me, and who I am to you.
I wish to understand that. Endgültig.
To find out this mystery - "why" -- why we cannot be together if we are for each other like this. WHAT is more powerful than us - to take us apart?
Is it you?
Or is it me?
Who is making us lose ourselves? - do you know..
Are we stupid?
Do you have any doubts.. that we are not.
End of the Start.
Or the end of the end.
***
It would not matter.... because my heart... someday will be stopping at its end too. Until then, this will live.
You will live in me, Darling Sweetschatz!
We will remember us, until we forget us.
<3 <3 <3
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